It's funny you know, how one moment you're on top of the world and the next you're hitting the bottom of the ocean floor. I guess I never really understood why I was so akward or where my shy nature was coming from, but then I realized it. Well rather I realized what had changed in my life. All my life I had music to express everything, from soaring arpegios to resonating vibrados I had always been able to play what was in my heart and on my mind. If I was happy I could play a march or a fun tune, if I was sad I could play a slow sad piece, anger was always fun to portray because I got to be huge and strong and powerful when all I felt was small and insignificant. When I was upset all I had to do was play my trombone or piano and the rest of the world would fade away if only for a moment... but then that moment would end and I would have to come back to reality stronger and more determined to move foreward.
I remember one day, my sophomore year of highschool, I had just lost a dear friend due to a break up and me not having the self control to face him without falling apart inside. I was in the bandhall just messing around on my trombone and I was playing some durge and fell apart right there in the practice room. I had to go to the choir hall's practice room so that I could play the piano because I needed music but was crying to hard to get the air to go through my horn. I started playing a song from the movie "A Walk to Remember." It was a slow song that started off with one melody but soon added chords and harmonies and as I played, everything else faded, I didn't feel the hurt or the sadness. I felt myself being lifted and swelling and tumbling with the chord progressions and in that moment everything was perfect. But then that moment ended and I had to go back to class. I didn't know how I was going to cope, how everything would work out, all I knew was that if I could just keep it together for a few more hours I could go back to playing the piano and everything would be alright again.
I have now moved off to college and have been faced with every possible means of pain imaginable. I have bruised my lung, injured my sternum, lost a dear friend to his crazy girlfriend and that was before everything went downhill. As I am faced with many heartbreaking challenges I find myself longing to be shut into a practice room with simply a trombone and a piano. A trombone for the anger and pain, and a piano to play as I pour out my heart and empty the tears from my eyes. It's weird for me that I miss my music so much. I have never thought that I would miss music but as I look back I finally see all the little notes that music left in my heart.
Friday, January 27, 2012
My God, My Strength
I hit rock bottom when my grandfather (Papa) fell out of bed and injured his neck. The ER in Houston told him that he was fine and just gave him a pain pill and let him drive 3,000 miles to Florida. The next morning he fell in his hotel room and completely broke his neck. He spent the next month fighting for his life everyday in ICU. Then they moved him to a normal room where he got a bedsore. He finally reached rehab and it has been decided that he will not be able to walk again ever.
With the heartbreak and emotional strain of Papa being in constant pain and unable to move, semester ended. I went home and visited Granny in the nursing home. She to had fallen recently but she had only bumped her head. However, at 92 years of age, a bump on the head was all it took to send her on the downward spiral. As I visited her I watched her stop eating and slowly slip away. Then late one December night we got the news that Granny had passed away. My number one fan was no long there to cheer me on. Now Granny was not actually related to me, however she and I had a connection that nobody else shared. We could easily talk for hours on end. I was always helping her when I could and she always had something good to say about me, even when I was at my worst. I had experience death many times before this, however I was never truely close to anyone like I was to her. Her passing destroyed me. That night I was told at ten that she had passed and did not stop crying until at six am I fell asleep completely and utterly empty.
Two days later I got on a plane and flew to visit my Papa in the ICU unit in Florida. He was frail and looked horrible. It was the longest week of my life. I spent every hour at the hospital with him and was very careful to not show any emotion other than encouraging him and trying to be happy and bubbly to help mom and Nana have lifted spirits as we were with Papa. In that moment I wanted to curl up and let the world fade away. But then that moment ended, and life moved foreward.
I went back to campus and was soo happy to see my wonderful boyfriend. We got to spend some time together before classes started and we had a lot of fun. we went to the movies and to the mall. One night we were snuggling in the back of his car and I fell asleep in his hims. In that moment everything else faded away I felt happy, like everything was going to be alright, but then that moment ended. He could only stay this semester if he got into nursing school here, and on the first day of classes we found out htat he did not get into the program. This meant that my security blanket, my number one fan, and the person I thought I absolutely needed, had to go home...three hours away.
In all of this, I was pressed but not crushed, prosecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. But I was alright, because my God's not dead he's surely alive and he's living on the inside roaring like a lion. I found my self in every moment, every struggle, every heartbreak, turing to God. This is where I found my strength. As our hearts break, we cry out to God. Where as we don't understand why this is happening, we cry out to God. When we are hurt because of doctor's errors in houston, We cry our to God. When we don't have to strength to stand any longer, we fall to our knees and cry out to God. In my times of complete and untter weakness, I cried out to God and he was there, he comforted me and strengthened me. He gives me the strength for this moment and when it ends I have no fear because he will give me the strength for the next moment in its time.
With the heartbreak and emotional strain of Papa being in constant pain and unable to move, semester ended. I went home and visited Granny in the nursing home. She to had fallen recently but she had only bumped her head. However, at 92 years of age, a bump on the head was all it took to send her on the downward spiral. As I visited her I watched her stop eating and slowly slip away. Then late one December night we got the news that Granny had passed away. My number one fan was no long there to cheer me on. Now Granny was not actually related to me, however she and I had a connection that nobody else shared. We could easily talk for hours on end. I was always helping her when I could and she always had something good to say about me, even when I was at my worst. I had experience death many times before this, however I was never truely close to anyone like I was to her. Her passing destroyed me. That night I was told at ten that she had passed and did not stop crying until at six am I fell asleep completely and utterly empty.
Two days later I got on a plane and flew to visit my Papa in the ICU unit in Florida. He was frail and looked horrible. It was the longest week of my life. I spent every hour at the hospital with him and was very careful to not show any emotion other than encouraging him and trying to be happy and bubbly to help mom and Nana have lifted spirits as we were with Papa. In that moment I wanted to curl up and let the world fade away. But then that moment ended, and life moved foreward.
I went back to campus and was soo happy to see my wonderful boyfriend. We got to spend some time together before classes started and we had a lot of fun. we went to the movies and to the mall. One night we were snuggling in the back of his car and I fell asleep in his hims. In that moment everything else faded away I felt happy, like everything was going to be alright, but then that moment ended. He could only stay this semester if he got into nursing school here, and on the first day of classes we found out htat he did not get into the program. This meant that my security blanket, my number one fan, and the person I thought I absolutely needed, had to go home...three hours away.
In all of this, I was pressed but not crushed, prosecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. But I was alright, because my God's not dead he's surely alive and he's living on the inside roaring like a lion. I found my self in every moment, every struggle, every heartbreak, turing to God. This is where I found my strength. As our hearts break, we cry out to God. Where as we don't understand why this is happening, we cry out to God. When we are hurt because of doctor's errors in houston, We cry our to God. When we don't have to strength to stand any longer, we fall to our knees and cry out to God. In my times of complete and untter weakness, I cried out to God and he was there, he comforted me and strengthened me. He gives me the strength for this moment and when it ends I have no fear because he will give me the strength for the next moment in its time.
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